Don’t Give Loss Free Rent in Your Brain

Dear Reader, 

I was reading an article titled “When Life Forces Your Hand, Embrace the New Chapter” by Adam Bergen. In the article, Bergen makes a strong point that loss or change should be looked at as an opportunity.

So often we allow our emotions to become a recording that goes round and round with no off switch. We play the same tune over and over, hoping the song or rhythm will be different this time. This is particularly evident when the course we are on has no probability of a different outcome.

Grieving a loss—whether of a person, a relationship, a dream, or even a way of life—can certainly fall into this scenario. We relive the good and bad times of our shared moments, preventing ourselves from thinking of new possibilities. In essence, we allow the past to have free rent in our brain.

I am not so calloused as to suggest that grieving should be skipped over lightly. Grieving is a natural part of the human experience, and it’s okay to take as long as you need to find peace. Yet, as William James observed, “Acceptance of what has happened is the first step to overcoming the consequences of any misfortune.” Acceptance is not forgetting—it’s freeing ourselves to live again.

For a recovering alcoholic or addict, this continued allowance of mind space to loss can be dangerous. It can become a breeding ground for self-pity and resentment—two powerful triggers for relapse—unless we pick up a recovery tool and change our thinking. As Maya Angelou reminds us, “You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them.”

So what to do when we find ourselves caught in such a vortex? Bergen provides three thoughts on how to maintain an optimistic attitude and cope when things go wrong:

1. Life happens for you, not to you.

2. This too shall pass.

3. Be with what is.

To these, I would add some personal lessons learned along the way:

• Find meaning in your pain. Henri Nouwen wisely said, “When we become aware that we do not have to escape our pains, but that we can mobilize them into a common search for life, those very pains are transformed from obstacles into doorways.”

• Trust God’s refining process. As the Lord declared in Ether 12:27, “My grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me… then will I make weak things become strong unto them.”

• Believe that nothing is wasted. In 2 Nephi 2:2, we are reminded, “Thou knowest the greatness of God; and he shall consecrate thine afflictions for thy gain.”

Loss will visit all of us, but we decide whether it is a tenant in our minds or a teacher in our lives. We can keep the door open to the past—or we can invite God to help us open the door to the future. With grace, acceptance, and the courage to live the next chapter, we can stop giving loss free rent in our brain and instead invest that space in hope, healing, and new beginnings.