Friendship: The Bonds That Endure

Have you ever asked, "What is it about this person that draws me to him and allows for trusting him with my deepest thoughts and secrets?" In a world where such people are few, it seems prudent to look at the characteristics of true friendship.

Interestingly, Noah Webster’s original 1828 dictionary defined friendship with a strong moral and emotional emphasis, describing it as:

"An attachment to a person, proceeding from intimate acquaintance, and a reciprocation of kind offices, or from a favorable opinion and esteem."

In Alcoholics Anonymous (AA), we are told that we will meet people where:

"Among them you will make lifelong friends. You will be bound to them with new and wonderful ties, for you will escape disaster together and you will commence shoulder to shoulder your common journey." (A Vision For You, Alcoholics Anonymous)

This aligns closely with a modern definition I recently found through AI:

"Friendship is a close and mutual bond between individuals based on trust, support, affection, and shared experiences. It involves a sense of companionship, understanding, and loyalty, where both parties contribute to the relationship with care and respect. True friendship often includes honesty, empathy, and a willingness to be there for each other through both good times and challenges."

From these insights, I suggest that there are five key elements of friendship:

• Affection: A genuine liking and appreciation for one another.

• Trust: Confidence in each other’s character and intentions.

• Loyalty: A commitment to stand by each other.

• Mutual Support: Being there in times of need.

• Shared Experiences: Common interests and history that strengthen the bond.

I have such a friend. We met in college, drank together, looked out for each other on the hard nights, supported each other during midlife joys and sorrow, and at any time can start a conversation with "We need to talk."

He is the kind of friend described in Proverbs 17:17:

"A friend loveth at all times, and a brother is born for adversity."

As 1 Samuel 18:1-3 recounts the friendship of Jonathan and David:

"And it came to pass, when he had made an end of speaking unto Saul, that the soul of Jonathan was knit with the soul of David, and Jonathan loved him as his own soul."

This expresses the kind of friendship that endures through burdens and joy.

Similarly, Mosiah 18:8-9 describes the nature of true companionship:

"And it came to pass that he said unto them: Behold, here are the waters of Mormon (for thus were they called) — and now, as ye are desirous to come into the fold of God, and to be called his people, and are willing to bear one another’s burdens, that they may be light;

Yea, and are willing to mourn with those that mourn;

yea, and comfort those that stand in need of comfort,

and to stand as witnesses of God at all times and in all things, and in all places that ye may be in."

May we all strive to be that kind of friend—one who stands by others in all times, offering love, trust, and unwavering support.

God's Love is All-Inclusive

This week, I was introduced to the thoughts of a Catholic priest, Father Greg Boyle. He shares powerful messages about love, compassion, and kinship, which can be found in his talks, including the YouTube series THE THREAD, particularly in Welcoming the Unwelcome. His words resonate deeply with the principles of Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) and the spiritual foundation of recovery.

Father Boyle offers wisdom through statements such as:

• "You are exactly what God had in mind when God made you."
• "The measure of our compassion lies not in our service of those on the margins, but in our willingness to see ourselves in kinship with them."
• "I think that God’s dream for us is that we be kind, that we stand in awe of each other, that we be compassionate."

These quotes align seamlessly with the heart of AA principles. The program itself fosters a spirit of unity and inclusivity:

"We are people who normally would not mix. But there exists among us a fellowship, a friendliness, and an understanding which is indeed a God-given gift." — Bill Wilson

"We have found nothing which will so much insure immunity from drinking as intensive work with other alcoholics." — Dr. Bob Smith

Bill Wilson and Dr. Bob Smith emphasized the importance of service, compassion, and seeing others through the lens of kindness. Their words reflect the deeper spiritual connection that comes from embracing those who are struggling and lifting each other up through shared experience.

For my part, I firmly believe that God’s plan for salvation is not limited to certain individuals but is meant for all. This principle is powerfully expressed in Father Boyle's words: "No one is truly saved until all are saved."

This idea is reinforced in scripture:

"And whether one member suffer, all the members suffer with it; or one member be honoured, all the members rejoice with it." — 1 Corinthians 12:26

"Remember the worth of souls is great in the sight of God; and that he suffereth the death of the sinner, that the resurrection might pass upon all men, that all might stand before him at the great and judgment day." — Doctrine and Covenants 18:10-11

Recovery, at its core, is about more than just personal healing; it is about lifting others and recognizing our shared journey. When we embrace the idea that God’s love is all-encompassing, we begin to see the beauty in every soul and the immense power of unity, kindness, and unwavering support for one another.

Good Morning!

Who is in Control and in Charge?

 

In one of my morning meditations today, I was struck by Rita Mae Brown's quote:  "A controller doesn’t trust his/her ability to live through the pain and chaos of life. There is no life without pain just as there is no art without submitting to chaos."

      My first thought was, "What, me?" I always allow things to happen without hovering over the components of people, places, and things.

     Then I compared my actions to the words in the Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, Chapter 5, How It Works: "Each person is like an actor who wants to run the whole show; is forever trying to arrange the lights, the ballet, the scenery and the rest of the players in his own way." Almost daily, I fit this description.

So, what are the changes needed to truly let go?  Philosophy offers profound insights into releasing control:

     “When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be.” – Lao Tzu

     “Flow with whatever may happen, and let your mind be free. Stay centered by accepting whatever you are doing.” – Tao Te Ching

     “Give yourself a gift: the present moment. People try to get away from it, but there is nowhere to go. The universe is a river, and you must let yourself flow with it.” – Marcus Aurelius, Meditations

Faith traditions echo the same call to surrender and trust:

     “Give up yourself, and you will find your real self. Lose your life and you will save it. Submit to death—death of your ambitions and favorite wishes every day—and death of your whole body in the end: submit with every fiber of your being, and you will find eternal life.” – C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity

     "Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God. And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus." – Philippians 4:6-7

     "But behold, all things have been done in the wisdom of him who knoweth all things." – 2 Nephi 2:24

     "Let us trust Him. Let us put our faith in Him. Let us surrender our doubts, our fears, and our sins. Let us turn our hearts completely toward Him." – Elder Dieter F. Uchtdorf

The Path to Letting Go

Letting go is not about passivity; it is about surrendering the illusion of control and embracing trust—trust in the process, in God, in the wisdom of life itself. It requires mindfulness, faith, and the willingness to flow rather than force. By relinquishing control, we open ourselves to greater peace, clarity, and the divine guidance that has been present all along.

Who is in control? If we let go, we may find that the One who knows all things is—and always has been—guiding us.

Willingness, Acceptance, and Personal Growth in Recovery

Recovery is a journey of transformation—one that requires willingness, acceptance, and continuous personal growth. Each of these principles builds upon the other, creating a foundation for lasting change and inner peace. Without willingness, we resist taking the steps necessary for healing. Without acceptance, we struggle with self-judgment and remain stuck in the past. And without growth, we fail to experience the full potential of a sober and meaningful life. 

  Willingness: The Key to Change 

  The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous states, “Willingness is the key.” Willingness is what opens the door to recovery. It is the willingness to admit powerlessness, to trust in a Higher Power, to take action, and to change. Without willingness, the Steps remain words on a page rather than a guide to freedom. 

  One of the most well-known AA principles is: “If you want what we have and are willing to go to any length to get it—then you are ready to take certain steps.” This highlights that willingness is a choice. No one can force it upon us, but once we embrace it, we unlock the ability to move forward. 

  

Acceptance: Embracing Who We Are 

  Acceptance is often misunderstood. It does not mean we approve of every aspect of our past, nor does it mean we resign ourselves to a life of limitation. Rather, acceptance means embracing who we are today, without shame or resistance, and recognizing that we are exactly where we need to be in this moment. 

  A powerful passage from the Big Book reminds us: “Acceptance is the answer to all my problems today.” When we stop resisting reality and accept ourselves—flaws and all—we find peace. This is crucial for overcoming self-judgment and letting go of the false belief that we must be perfect. 

  

The Serenity Prayer beautifully ties acceptance and willingness together: 

“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.” 

  

Acceptance does not mean staying stagnant. It is a necessary step toward growth, allowing us to move forward without unnecessary self-criticism. 

  

Personal Growth: The Outcome of Willingness and Acceptance 

  When willingness and acceptance work together, personal growth naturally follows. Growth is the process of becoming a better version of ourselves while staying true to who we are. The Twelve Steps guide us through self-reflection, amends, and continued spiritual development, ensuring that we do not remain the same person who first entered recovery. 

  Step 6 teaches us to be “entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.” Readiness implies both acceptance (acknowledging our flaws) and willingness (being open to change). Growth requires us to consistently practice the principles of AA, take personal inventory, and remain open to new lessons along the way. 

  

Finding the Balance 

  It is important to recognize that acceptance is not complacency. True acceptance acknowledges where we are while remaining open to growth. Likewise, willingness is not about forcing change but about embracing the opportunities for transformation that recovery provides. 

  Through willingness, we take action. Through acceptance, we find peace. Through growth, we experience the full promise of recovery. 

  By embracing these principles, we move from simply surviving to truly living a fulfilling, sober life. 

Taking a fearless Inventory

"The art of writing is the art of discovering what you believe. "-- Gustave Flaubert  May of us balk at the prospect of taking AA's step 4.  It seems that taring away or passing through the Vail of actual events will reveal something so sinister that we might not survive it.  The actual results of step 4 are quite the opposite. 

In his 1944 talk at the Yale School of Alcohol Studies, Wilson discussed the significance of Step Four.  He highlights that it requires an individual to conduct an honest evaluation of their past actions and behaviors.  

These insights underscore that Step Four is not merely a procedural step but a transformative process that can lead to emotional freedom and lasting sobriety. 

 

Adding in the comment of George Bernard Shaw: 'The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place."  This means we cannot just write we need to review and enlighten what we have written with a trusted person.  One who seals the script with privacy and Love.   In a world of rampant Communitions and social multimedia such a true friend and confidant is hard to find.  Yet, for steps 4 and 5 they are essential. 

 

From Proverbs 28:13 we learn: "He that covereth his sins shall not prosper: but whoso confesseth and forsaketh them shall have mercy."  Likewise, The Teachings of President Gordon B. Hinckley reinforce: "Our lives are what we make of them. We can choose to make them better or worse, but we must always seek to improve and change for the better." 

Conclusion 

The essence of Step 4 in AA — conducting an honest self-evaluation, confessing wrongs, and seeking emotional and spiritual healing — is supported by multiple sources. These sources include Flaubert’s idea of discovery through writing, Shaw’s emphasis on honest communication, biblical teachings on confession and repentance, and the LDS focus on self-reflection, forgiveness, and change. The process, though difficult, is a transformative one, leading to emotional freedom and lasting recovery, much like the healing principles emphasized in these traditions 

Carrying the Message

When I arrived at my first meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous, I had zero knowledge of what people in AA did or how they were staying sober. I only knew that I could no longer stop drinking at any time during the day. Whatever willpower I had was useless against the first drink. Then, in that first meeting, I heard that people were staying sober and changing their lives by following a formula called the 12 Steps.

Moreover, I was told:

"Practical experience shows that nothing will so much insure immunity from drinking as intensive work with other alcoholics. It works when other activities fail. This is our twelfth suggestion: Carry this message to other alcoholics! You can help when no one else can. You can secure their confidence when others fail." (Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 89)

I hardly believed this was possible, yet there was a room full of people who were not only sober but happy and confident. I stayed with this small group, and my recovery was launched.

Dr. Bob Smith, in Dr. Bob and the Good Oldtimers, clearly states:

"If you think you are an exception to the rule, that somehow you can stay dry without helping others, you're only deceiving yourself. The principle of service is woven through the fabric of AA."

The Point

As Confucius wrote:

"If you think in terms of a year, plant a seed; if in terms of ten years, plant trees; if in terms of a hundred years, teach the people."

It is in service—at AA meetings, in the fields and hospitals of despair, and in the oceans of broken and lost lives—where we become strong. Strong enough to counter the whispers or shouts of addiction.

Christ exemplified this strength when he rebuked Satan in the wilderness:

"Get thee behind me, Satan: for it is written, Thou shalt worship the Lord thy God, and him only shalt thou serve." (Luke 4:8)

Again, He reinforced this lesson when rebuking Peter:

"Get thee behind me, Satan: thou art an offence unto me: for thou savourest not the things that be of God, but those that be of men." (Matthew 16:23)

Finally, in His great commission, Christ commanded:

"Therefore, go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age." (Matthew 28:19-20)

This same spirit of carrying the message is echoed in The Book of Mormon:

"Now they were desirous that salvation should be declared to every creature, for they could not bear that any human soul should perish; yea, even the very thoughts that any soul should endure endless torment did cause them to quake and tremble." (Mosiah 28:3)

The message is clear: carrying the message is not just a duty but a privilege. Whether in AA, through faith, or in service to others, we grow stronger by sharing the gift we have received. And in doing so, we find true freedom and lasting sobriety.

Well Adjusted: Finding Balance in Faith and Life

Some days, I find myself confronted with countless "should" and "should not" options. Society often dictates norms and expectations, yet I am reminded of Jiddu Krishnamurti’s words: "It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society." True well-being is not about conforming blindly but about aligning ourselves with truth, purpose, and faith.

When faced with these choices, I anchor myself in the assurance that "God’s will never takes me where His grace will not sustain me." (Ruth Humlecker). Life is not about striving to meet arbitrary standards; as Edna Ferber wisely put it, "Big doesn't necessarily mean better. Sunflowers aren't better than violets." Each of us has a unique path and purpose, and our worth is not determined by societal comparisons.

In Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) meetings, we often hear the phrase, "stay in the middle of the herd." While there is wisdom in the support and accountability of a community, does it mean we must always conform, avoiding risks and challenges? Is safety, security, or social acceptance the ultimate goal? I would argue otherwise. Faith calls us to step beyond comfort, to challenge limiting beliefs, and to walk a path of integrity and purpose. It is not about reckless rebellion but about choosing an independent path led by faith and dignity.

Step 5 of AA reminds us: "Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs." In this context, we must also admit and clarify our values. What do we stand for? How do our choices reflect our beliefs? True well-adjustment is not about passive acceptance but about taking meaningful actions that align with our spiritual convictions.

A Spiritual Perspective

The scriptures provide powerful guidance on resisting conformity and standing firm in faith:

• Romans 12:2: "Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect."

• 1 John 2:15-17: "Do not love the world or the things in the world... For all that is in the world—the desires of the flesh and the desires of the eyes and pride of life—is not from the Father but is from the world."

• Standing Firm in Faith: "We are called to resist the temptations and pressures that seek to draw us away from God, while also being reassured of our identity in Christ."

• Elder D. Todd Christofferson: "To persevere firm and steadfast in the faith of Christ requires that the gospel of Jesus Christ penetrate one’s heart and soul."

True adjustment is not about adapting to the dysfunction of the world but about rooting ourselves in faith, seeking God’s will, and walking with courage. May we each find the balance between community and individuality, between guidance and self-discovery, and ultimately, between worldly expectations and divine purpose.