The Journey from Amends to Forgiveness: A Reflection on AA’s Ninth Step

 

Yesterday, the topic of amends kept showing up in my life. Over and over again, I was confronted with one simple but painful truth: I’ve said “I’m sorry” countless times, and yet—when similar situations arise—I often repeat the same harmful actions.

Why? Because I haven’t addressed the character defects that drive the behavior in the first place.

Take this example: I promise a family member I’ll take care of something—a chore, a repair, a task—knowing full well I don’t want to do it. I say yes because I want to be liked. I want to avoid conflict. And when the task inevitably gets overlooked or ignored, I offer a hollow apology and a well-rehearsed excuse. It's a pattern I know too well.

This may seem like a small thing, but for an alcoholic, these moments are the crossroads where old behaviors meet new spiritual principles. This is where Step Nine comes in.

As Bill Wilson wrote in Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions,

“The readiness to take the full consequences of our past acts, and to take responsibility for the well-being of others at the same time, is the very spirit of Step Nine.”

Step Nine isn’t about just saying “I’m sorry.” It’s about making things right—tangibly, honestly, and courageously.

Dr. Bob Smith, co-founder of AA, echoed this principle. He emphasized that real amends must be made in person whenever possible. Indirect efforts, he said, often come from fear or pride and don’t offer the same healing—for either party. He also made it clear that financial amends mean actual repayment, not empty promises.

In truth, if we are sincerely seeking forgiveness, then words alone will never be enough. Promises can’t replace action. Healing comes when we change our behavior and begin walking a spiritually driven path of honesty and integrity.

Desmond Tutu wrote in The Book of Forgiving:

“Forgiveness does not relieve someone of responsibility for what they have done. Forgiveness does not erase accountability.”

Katie Ashley, in her novel Nets and Lies, put it this way:

“Forgiveness was about more than just words—it was actions and feelings.”

And Scripture is equally clear:

• James 2:17 – “So you see, faith by itself isn’t enough. Unless it produces good deeds, it is dead and useless.”

• 1 John 3:18 – “Dear children, let us not love with words or speech but with actions and in truth.”

• Micah 6:8 – “He has shown you, O mortal, what is good. And what does the Lord require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God.”

These verses call us not just to believe, but to live out our faith with mercy, justice, and humility.

Dear reader, the Ninth Step is not about seeking forgiveness through apologies alone. The amends we seek must be lived. We make direct amends by repairing what we’ve broken. We make indirect amends by addressing the attitudes and behaviors that caused harm in the first place—so we don’t repeat the cycle.

Here’s what I’ve found helpful:

1. Acknowledge the harm I’ve caused.

2. Discern what meaningful action can be taken.

3. Discuss it with a trusted and spiritually grounded person.

4. Then act—with humility, without expecting anything in return.

The goal isn’t to erase the past. It’s to demonstrate, through action, that we are becoming new people—people who are willing to live by spiritual principles.

Because true spiritual growth isn’t measured by how sorry we are. It’s measured by how much we’re willing to change.

“So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you…” — Matthew 7:12

Good morning. How can I make amends today by correcting my actions?